Grief and the Holidays
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Numerous kinds of grief are recognized currently. Death may be the first thing that comes to mind if someone asks you to associate a word with grief, but there are many other things which may cause us to grieve. This can include job loss, injury, the end of a relationship, deciding to go no-contact with toxic people, being unable to go see loved ones, and many others. In the classic idea of grieving, there may be practices such as finding a way to honor the persons memory (funerals, memorials, etc.), spending time together as people mourning the person, and of course, lots of crying. All of these are valid means of grieving but may not fit in each instance of grief. You may find with new kinds of grief, comes the need for new types of coping.
In relation to general coping from day to day, you may be recommended such things as: taking care of yourself, honoring your feelings, spending time with loved ones, and so on. If you seek professional help, they may offer more structured suggestions such as journaling, building a self-care routine, or the use of specific coping or grounding skills depending on your needs.
Now, to the meat of the title: what about holidays? These are special times of the year often centered around spending time together, exchanging gifts, and cherishing the relationships we have. But grief can get in the way of all of that. And then what? Well, we have some suggestions to share.
The beginning of the year includes many holidays centered around fresh starts. While many think this may mean leaving grief behind; it may also mean finding new ways to live with it. It may mean drastic change in your life. This is a good time to slow things down, and consider what your goals and plans are for the coming year. Perhaps you do this for things like diet or exercise, but you may also do it in relation to grief. Consider what opportunities exist for you in the coming year, and how you may take advantage of them. If you have lost an ability to do a certain thing, think about how you might work with what you’re currently able to do. The end of a relationship may leave you feeling like you’re on unsteady ground in life. Spend time exploring ways to give yourself a sense of stability for the year ahead.
Notably, February is also Black History Month. This can come with a unique sort of grief. This may include long-lost family members, ancestral lineage, cultural knowledge, and other larger-than-life concepts. It is common for communities to come together and celebrate, honoring those that came before, all that has been lost, and to also look to the future to continue creating a better world. You may find yourself engaging more with your community, or you may prefer to spend time with a group of friends and family. Many people also take this time to visit historical landmarks and gain further insights into Black history. What you do will be unique to you, but there will likely be others willing to celebrate, or grieve, with you.
Moving further down the calendar brings us to the spring time holidays, often centered around love, friendship, or church going. This may be a time for you to reach out to the people you do have available for support and see how you can be there for each other. It could also bring you to feeling like you may want alone time. If your allergies aren’t too bad, you may consider going into nature and observing the new life that is blooming. In relation to church-centered holidays, if you have recently lost the ability to attend services for whatever the reason may be, perhaps you could find a new group in your area or online that could offer a similar sense of community. If you have a hobby you engage in, this may be a good place to start. Local libraries also often run community-based events.
May, June, and July have holidays centered around parents. This may be a particularly hard time for those who have lost their parents to death or estrangement. It may also be a struggle for those who were hoping to become parents but were unfortunately unable to experience that joy. There are many big feelings that often come up in regard to these topics. It is a good time to come together and support one another. If you find your support circle to be small, don’t forget the power of the internet. You are not alone in your struggles and do not have to be alone in your healing. June is also pride month across the United States, and this may be a time that many people celebrate being loud and proud. While that is the spirit of pride month, rest assured there are many who must still celebrate quietly. Being unable to honor your true self may bring similar feelings of grief, and may be soothed in similar ways. Perhaps you are able to find a small community to relate, or you can do some small thing for yourself in a safe space that allows you to honor this part of your identity.
August gives us a bit of a break on the holidays, unless you’re caught in the rush to prepare for schools starting. If you’re struggling with that, reach out to some organizations in your area and ask if there are any assistance programs in place that help those in need gain school supplies for the coming year.
The next couple months include celebrations that often remind us of our collective or personal histories, such as 9/11 remembrance day, Indigenous Peoples’ Day, and Dia de los Muertos. This is a good time to lean into your rituals and honor those who we have lost in a way that is special to you. Perhaps this is formal, in visiting gravesites and leaving flowers. Or perhaps it looks different to you, like taking someone’s favorite long way home and listening to their favorite songs. You may also be drawn to learning more about culture, history, or your own background. Please, remember that we all grieve differently, and as long as you are not bringing harm to yourself or others, do what feels best to you to remember your loved ones.
The end of the year is often termed “the Holiday Season” (debatable, with all these other holidays, but we digress). This is often a time when families gather, large meals are shared, and gifts are exchanged. It is not that way for all, though. It may also be a time when the lack of food or money is more readily apparent. There is a specific kind of grieving that comes with the feeling of being unable to have those large family feasts whether due to money or lost connections with family members. There is a specific type of pain in knowing you are struggling to put things under the tree. We must remember that we all have various experiences, and in the United States especially, the Holiday Season is a pressured time. Be sure to familiarize yourself with the community resources available, there are often organizations that give out turkey dinners you can take home, or will help you in buying gifts for the family. But at the same time, honor yourself and those you care for. Do what you are able, and take care of yourself and each other.
In any time of the year, we may all be facing our own personal and private battles related to grief. Remember to do what you need to do. Remember to cry, to mourn, to grieve, but also to care for yourself and create a path to soothing the ache and learning to live again with this new part of yourself. Grief may never fully go away—and that’s okay, too. But there are things that can be done to help you begin to thrive once more.
(Author note to the reader: I did my best to focus on the holiday themes that are present based on the time of year, while mentioning a few that are more widely celebrated. Being thorough would have been quite difficult with the multitude of holidays that exist. While it is my belief that each and every holiday deserves mention, it is not within my abilities or cultural knowledge to address them all. I hope you have found some comfort in the content I have found myself able to provide.)