Supporting a Partner with Chronic Illness or Mental Health Challenges
My alarm would go off at 3am. It took sheer willpower most days to get up and out of bed for three years, three times a week. It was a process to get my late husband, who was in a wheelchair, up and ready to go to dialysis. I saw the weariness in his eyes, the frustration on his face. There was a constant question lingering in the air surrounding him: “how much more can I take?” I could not answer this question for him-which made it so very hard.
Watching him endure chronic pain and a deteriorating body for six years-as much as I tried to make him smile, it was so challenging for him to not feel sad and demoralized, and it affected me deeply.
Seeing this day after day, I very soon forgot that I should have also been taking care of myself. How easily that slips away when you are solely focused on taking care of the person that you love so much. But we must remember to love ourselves equally. In fact, protecting our own physical and mental health can have benefits not just for us, but for our loved one we care for as well.
Signs of Caregiver Stress and Burnout:
When we are dealing with chronic stress, especially as a caregiver, this can take a significant toll on our mental, physical and even spiritual well-being. Over time the impact builds up in our body, with many outward physical and behavioral signs:
Muscle tension
Weight loss/weight gain
Headaches
Feeling drained of energy, low mood
Upset digestive system, including irregularity and nausea
Trouble falling asleep, staying asleep, or sleeping too much
Irritability, feelings of hopelessness or helplessness
Feeling lonely or isolated
Not engaging in hobbies you once enjoyed
Not taking care of your own hygiene (not showering, brushing teeth)
This is just a short list of the many number of ways chronic caregiver stress can manifest itself in your body.
What We Can Do to Take Care of Ourselves-Physically and Mentally:
Eating healthily and drinking plenty of fluids: If you have insurance, consider reaching out to a nutritionist.
Exercising or staying active: Try to be active every day, taking a short walk, for example.
Create a nighttime sleep routine/improve sleep hygiene to get enough sleep: Limit distractions of technology before bed, do something to relax your mind, use red lighting.
Don’t underestimate the power of short naps!
Avoid illicit substances, alcohol, Tobacco
Ground yourself/meditate/learn to relax and breathe: Practice “belly” breathing throughout the day, or watch/listen to guided meditation videos.
Avoid judgment and/or feelings of guilt: It is very easy to feel guilt surrounding your loved one, or question whether you are doing enough, of feeling bad for wanting to take time off-while those are common thoughts and feelings, please know how important it is to listen to your body and take care of yourself-and step away to do something good for yourself!
Practice gratitude/focus on positives: Focus on the good things going on in your life, remember to notice even the small things that make you pause and enjoy (the sun shining, a silly joke, a funny tv-show).
Seeking out social support/increase social connections: Isolation can be detrimental to your mental and physical health. Join a support group. Spend time with friends and family. Engage in a hobby with others.
Give yourself respite if possible: It is absolutely ok to step away, although it can be hard or even scary. You can allow others to give you a break, without guilt or fear. It can do wonders for you and the person you care for.
Make “dates” for friends or go out with your significant other.
Embrace and expand your spiritual/religious beliefs-whatever provides you comfort.
Give yourself and others grace-be kind and gentle with yourself You have a right to your feelings, including “negative” feelings of sadness, frustration, etc.…you can sit with them, process them, and journal.
Understand that you are allowed to grieve: Grief doesn’t just come from death: it can come from a life that once was or even will never be. We must allow ourselves to feel those feelings, process what we need and find meaning in our circumstances. Therapy can help with this.
What If Life Becomes Too Much?
If you are feeling so overwhelmed that you are unable to complete your day-to-day activities, or you recognize these signs in yourself, it is time to seek help. Reach out to a licensed counselor, social worker, spiritual provider, or other professional to get the support you need. 988 is a free, 24/7 hotline staffed with professionals who can provide resources and simply listen. Reach out to your family and friends—one of the kindest things you can do for yourself is ask for help!