Healing Together: Couples Therapy for Navigating Past Betrayals Part Three: When Space Becomes Necessary

Ashley and Darren missed their next appointment. When they returned, they arrived separately and sat at opposite ends of the couch.

“We had another argument,” Ashley said. “I told him I needed space.”

“She wants us to separate,” Darren said.

“Temporarily,” Ashley clarified. “I need time to think without wondering what else I’ll find.”

Ashley planned to stay with her mother while Darren stayed with his brother. They had discussed three weeks but had not established boundaries.

“A temporary separation can provide clarity,” the therapist explained, “but you need to agree on its purpose, communication, and boundaries.”

Ashley looked at Darren. “I’m afraid the online behavior will continue while we’re apart.”

“It won’t,” Darren said.

“You’ve made promises before.”

“I know promises aren’t enough. I need to make meaningful changes.” Darren opened the dating app on his phone and deleted his profile.

“I’m glad you deleted it,” Ashley said, “but that doesn’t mean I trust you again.”

“It shouldn’t,” Darren replied. “I understand that.”

The therapist explained that deleting the profile was important but could not repair the betrayal by itself. The Gottman approach views trust as something demonstrated through repeated, dependable behavior.

“What would accountability look like during the separation?” the therapist asked.

“No dating apps, secret conversations, or presenting myself as single,” Darren answered.

“If someone contacts me inappropriately, I tell Ashley.”

“I don’t want to spend every day checking his phone,” Ashley said. “I don’t want to be responsible for making sure he behaves.”

“That responsibility belongs to Darren,” the therapist said. “Transparency may support trust, but accountability means maintaining boundaries when Ashley is not watching.”

Darren also agreed to begin individual counseling to understand why he sought attention online and continued hiding information.

Using CBT, the therapist explored their thoughts about separating. Ashley was thinking, If I leave, the marriage is probably over. Darren was thinking, If she moves out, I have already lost her.

“The separation does not guarantee divorce or reconciliation,” the therapist explained. “It can give Ashley space while allowing Darren to show whether his actions match his words.”

They agreed to communicate about their children and household concerns and have one scheduled conversation each week. They would not pursue other relationships and would continue couples therapy.

“What happens after three weeks?” Darren asked.

“We come back and talk honestly,” Ashley answered. “Then I decide whether I’m willing to keep trying.”

“I want to come home,” Darren said, “but I know I have to show you something different.”

“Deleting the profile is a start,” Ashley replied. “But I need to see whether these changes continue when I’m not there.”

Ashley agreed to the temporary separation. They left the session separately, uncertain about what would happen next. Darren’s accountability would no longer be measured by his promises. It would be measured by the choices he made when Ashley was not watching.

What do you think?

• When can temporary space help a couple think more clearly?

• What is the difference between transparency and monitoring?

• Which consistent behaviors are necessary before trust can return?

Extra Resources

Snyder, D. K., Gordon, K. C., & Baucom, D. H. (2023). Getting past the affair: A program to help you cope, heal, and move on—together or apart (2nd ed.). Guilford Press.

The Gottman Institute. (2021). How to build trust with your partner after infidelity.

University of Minnesota. (n.d.). Discernment counseling.