Healing Together: Couples Therapy for Navigating Past Betrayals Part Two: When More of the Truth Comes Out
Five sessions had passed since Ashley and Darren first sat on the therapist’s couch. Their conversations remained difficult, but Darren had become less defensive, and Ashley had begun expressing her concerns more clearly.
Then Ashley found the dating profile.
When they arrived for their next session, Ashley held her phone while Darren stared at the floor.
“I thought we were getting somewhere,” Ashley said. “Then I found this.”
The profile included Darren’s photograph and presented him as available to meet someone.
“This wasn’t only about one coworker,” Ashley said. “You made yourself look single.”
“I made the profile,” Darren admitted. “I shouldn’t have done it.”
“Why would you need a dating profile?”
“I liked the attention,” Darren said. “I liked feeling that someone might be interested in me.”
“You were presenting yourself as single while coming home to me every night.”
The therapist allowed a brief silence. “Ashley, you believed you were repairing a betrayal involving one person. Now you are questioning whether this was part of a larger pattern.”
“I’m questioning everything,” Ashley replied. “Every late night, every hidden phone, and every time he said I was imagining things.”
“I was afraid that if I told her everything, she would leave,” Darren said.
“And now I’m afraid I stayed because I didn’t know everything,” Ashley replied.
Using the Gottman Trust Revival Method, the therapist explained that atonement requires the person who violated the relationship’s boundaries to accept responsibility, answer appropriate questions honestly, and avoid blaming the betrayed partner. Trust cannot recover while important information is still being concealed.
CBT was also used to identify the thoughts influencing their reactions. Ashley was thinking, Our entire marriage may have been a lie. Darren was thinking, If I tell the complete truth, I will lose my family.
The therapist helped Ashley separate what she knew from what she feared without dismissing her concerns.
“What do you know right now?” the therapist asked.
“I know he created a dating profile, hid it from me, and made this bigger than one coworker.”
“And what are you afraid might be true?”
“That there are more women and that I never really knew who I married.”
The therapist turned to Darren. “Your fear may have contributed to your dishonesty, but avoiding the truth has made losing the marriage more likely. Reassurance will not be enough. Ashley needs consistent honesty and trustworthy behavior.”
“I’ll answer her questions,” Darren said.
“I don’t even know which questions to ask anymore,” Ashley replied.
Near the end of the session, the therapist reminded Ashley that she did not have to decide immediately whether to stay or leave. She needed time, support, and truthful information.
“I came here believing we were repairing one betrayal,” Ashley said. “Now I don’t know whether I’m trying to save the marriage we had or the marriage I thought we had.” Darren reached toward her, but Ashley moved her hand away.
“I’m not ready for that.”
They left together, but their progress felt uncertain. Ashley was no longer only asking whether she could trust Darren again. She was questioning whether she still wanted the relationship they were trying to save.
What do you think?
How does discovering new information affect someone’s ability to rebuild trust?
What is the difference between reassurance and accountability?
What information and boundaries might someone need before deciding whether to remain in a relationship?
Extra Resources
Snyder, D. K., Gordon, K. C., & Baucom, D. H. (2023). Getting past the affair: A program to help you cope, heal, and move on—together or apart (2nd ed.).Guilford Press.
Spring, J. A., & Spring, M. (2012). After the affair: Healing the pain and rebuilding trust when a partner has been unfaithful (Updated 2nd ed.). William Morrow.
The Gottman Institute. (2020). Reviving trust after an affair.